


Longevity Cubed

by Vanessa_Cocotea



Category: Count Duckula, Doctor Who: Eighth Doctor Adventures - Various Authors, Highlander: The Series
Genre: Fantasy, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-16
Updated: 2014-01-16
Packaged: 2018-01-08 22:15:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1138032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vanessa_Cocotea/pseuds/Vanessa_Cocotea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From 2005:</p><p>Easter gets turned upside-down...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Longevity Cubed

**Author's Note:**

> I did this for my son years ago. He called it "Totalus Bizarrus". Eight is using his alias from "Seeing I" - Alistair James Bowman - or rather, part of it. He's going by Alistair James. 
> 
> Also, ALL the characters are meant to be in the style of the Count Duckula TV Series...

"Master Duckular! I've got your lovely Easter Eggs done and all nicely tucked up in the basket, ready for my little Ducky Boos to hide!" Nanny came into Count Duckula's bedroom, lugging a gigantic basket filled with decorated Ostrich eggs. She plunked it on Duckula's bed. The springs creaked and the bed collapsed.

"Nanny! You're supposed to use the small PLASTIC eggs! They are supposed to fit into the palm of my hand! Nanny, please get me the right eggs! Now!"

Nanny shambled out, muttering, "Oh, Ducky Boos! You're so cruel to your old Nanny! I try to make your Easter nice and this is the thanks I get! Well, there will be no choccy biccies for your tea, if you don't start appreciatin' your old Nanny!" Her voice echoed down the corridor.

Duckula muttered to himself, "I'd need a forklift to lift just one of those! Sheesh!"

Igor arrived in the room. "Sorry about that, Sir! Oh, Sir! Allow me to do the eggs. I have some lovely black and purple plastic eggs - just the colour of a delightful thunderstorm!" Igor clapped his hands in anticipation. "I could even fill them with some lovely plastic explosive. Take out some of those tiresome villagers. Oh, Sir, please?"

"No, Igor! You are NOT filling eggs with explosives and you are NOT taking out ANY villagers! And that's FINAL!"

"Oh, Sir! Just a few cottages then, Sir. Please!"

"NO!"

"Sir, obviously, does not wish to have fun on Easter, then?"

"Of course, I wish to have fun, Igor! But I DON'T need to blow up anything or anyone to have it!"

"Sir! Your father would be appalled!"

"That's as may be, but I am NOT my father! Thank Goodness! Now, fetch the brightly coloured plastic EMPTY eggs and let's get going! I'll get the chocolate and other sweets!"

"Chocolate! Sweets! Brightly coloured eggs! Sir, I despair of you." Igor said grimly, as he left to fetch the horrifying items.

Duckula had sent Castle Duckula to the beautiful Cotswolds area of England. He'd chosen a lovely wooded area in which to hide the eggs. He stepped out, breathed deeply, and looked round appreciatively. Igor looked like he would throw up. Nanny, who could never stay angry with her little Ducky Boos, chattered on and on and on about the lovely scenery, and would have kept chattering on, if Igor hadn't squashed a few real eggs in her face. He'd brought some to throw at any villagers he saw. He was determined to have SOME fun, at least! Nanny looked reproachfully at him.

Duckula glared at him. "Igor! Where did you get those?"

Igor replied, without an ounce of contrition, "I brought a few from the kitchen to throw at the villagers, Sir. It should be most agreeable!" He laughed wickedly.

"Oh, Igor! Give me those! I shall give them to the village children for their breakfast. Come along! Hand them over - ALL of them!" Duckula snapped his fingers and held out his hand for the eggs. Instead, he got a face full of egg! Igor chortled. Nanny twittered. Igor threw a couple more eggs.

They immediately heard a distinct "Ahh!" They turned to see a man, also hiding eggs. He had a basket filled with only blue and green eggs. He also had a face full of egg! Igor had missed his aim - though Igor didn't think so! He laughed wickedly and shouted, "YES!" Duckula covered his face with a hand, said, "Oh, Igor!", and went to apologise to the man. Igor was still laughing.

"Oh, now, Mister Igor! You are a caution!" Nanny laughed and gave him a hearty slap on the back. Igor promptly tripped and fell back into some nettle bushes. He was delighted - it gave him some deliciously wicked ideas. He struggled up and surreptitiously plucked a few needles. Nanny was still laughing.

Duckula found the man - who gave his name as "Alistair James", most forgiving. "That's quite all right! Children will be children." He smiled. Duckula pointed out the "child". Alistair just shook his head and replied. "Well, it doesn't do to grow up TOO much, now does it?" He grinned as he cleared off the egg with a large handkerchief.

"Well, Alistair - I may call you Alistair, mayn't I?" Duckula asked. Alistair nodded. "Of course, Count!" They then talked for a bit, before Duckula returned to Nanny and Igor.

Duckula came back from apologising to the man to find Nanny staring in Alistair's direction. "Ooh, who is that lovely man with all that lovely chestnut hair and that lovely green coat?"

"Just one of Igor's innocent victims, Nanny. Just enjoying Easter..." He looked at Igor. Igor had his back turned and appeared to be very busy. Actually, he was secretly filling some of his "thunderstorm"-coloured eggs with nettles. He had some wonderfully wicked ideas on how to use them.

"Igor?"

"Yes, Milord?"

"What are you doing?" Duckula asked suspiciously.

"Nothing, Milord." But Igor did look a bit guilty.

Nanny piped up, "He's a-fillin' them eggs of his with bits from them spiky bushes over there." She pointed towards the nettle bushes.

"Oh, Nanny!" Igor had just thought of another use for his nettle-filled eggs.

"Oh, Igor!! And just what were you planning to do with them?" Duckula bent a severe look on him.

"Just planning a little harmless fun, Sir." Igor grinned.

"Well, don't!" Duckula knew exactly how Igor's mind worked. "You are NOT hiding them for the village children to find tomorrow, and then laughing at them getting stung when they open the eggs!"

"Sir!" Igor pleaded. "It would be such fun!"

"NO! It wouldn't! Now let's get back to Transylvania, get a good night's sleep and come back tomorrow and find the eggs!"

They went back to the castle, Igor grumbling the whole time, and a few seconds later, Castle Duckula blinked back home.

****

Next morning, Duckula was up early, anxious to go find his eggs. Having hidden them blind-folded, he had no idea where they were.

"Nanny! Igor! Rise and Shine!"

Igor came in, glowering, "Sir, must you use the word "shine"?"

"Yes, Igor! Rise and SHINE!" Igor shook his head, muttering, "Ohhh!"

Nanny came in then, with Duckula's breakfast on a tray. "Now then, Master Duckular, you eat up all your lovely porridge and then you can go find all them eggs you hid yesterday."

"Right you are, Nanny!" Duckula applied himself to his breakfast with gusto.

A short while later, Castle Duckula blinked off.

Duckula stepped out. He breathed deeply and started to head to where he'd hidden the eggs and stopped. He was standing at the edge of a big lake. It was NOT the Cotswolds of England.

"IGOR!!!!"

"Yes, Milord?"

"Is this another one of your jokes?" Duckula was quite a bit miffed.

"Ah, I wish it were, Sir. It's so delightfully cold and rainy and gloomy."

"Nanny! Did YOU touch anything?"

"No, Master Duckular."

"THEN WHERE IN THE NAME OF CARROT CAKE ARE WE?"

"Sir? Perhaps, we should ask the two gentlemen sword fighting over yonder? If we startled them, they might do each other a serious injury. It would be MOST agreeable!"

"IGOR!"

"Yes, Milord?"

"Stop messing about and let's go ask the two-gentlemen-sword-fighting-over-yonder, shall we?"

There appeared to be a Battle Royal going on between the two men. It appeared to be over several baskets of Easter Eggs sitting on the ground behind and between the squabblers. They thrust and parried and feinted - and squabbled.

"Connor! You thief! The baskets are mine!"

"Duncan! You swine! They are mine!"

"Excuse me? Gentlemen? Could you tell me where we are, please?" Count Duckula queried.

They turned as one. "We are of the Clan Macleod." The first man bowed and said, "I am Connor Macleod." His partner bowed as well and said, "I am Duncan Macleod."

"My name is Count Duckula and this is Nanny and Igor." Nanny said, "How do you do?", then tried to peek under Duncan's kilt, saying, "Ooh, I've always wanted to know what was under one of these."

"Madam! Please!" Duncan whirled round and got his kilt out of harm's way. Connor laughed and Igor totally corpsed. Duckula blushed. "Nanny!"

"Oh, now I'll never know!" She wailed.

"You'll have to excuse Nanny. She lives in Laa Laa Land."

"Oh, Master Duckular! You're such a kidder! I don't lives in no larlar land! I never heard of such a place! I lives at Castle Duckular!"

Duckula looked at the Macleods and circled his finger beside his head. They smiled. "Now, would you be kind enough to tell us where we are?"

Connor answered, "Scotland. Glenfinnon, on the shores of Loch Shiel."

"SCOTLAND?!?! How did we get to Scotland? We were headed for the Cotswolds of England? Igorrr? Have you been tampering with the Castle?"

"No, Milord. But I must say, this is much better than all that revolting sunshine! If you must celebrate Easter, Sir, could you not do it here? You might get a delightful case of pneumonia, Sir! DOUBLE pneumonia, if you're lucky." Igor looked ready to emigrate at that moment. Duckula did the "finger thing" again. The Macleods grinned again.

Connor said, "May I ask why you were going to the Cotswolds?"

"I hid Easter Eggs there yesterday, so I could come back today and hunt for them."

"If you hid them, why do you need to hunt for them? Wouldn't you already know where they were?" Duncan looked a bit flummoxed.

"I hid them whilst blind-folded."

"Ah, right."

Nanny piped up, "I'd like to know why you two lads were a-fightin' with them swords? Them swords is very dangerous! Why you could do someone a terrible injury, that you could!"

Igor glared at Nanny and muttered to himself, "Sounds like a very good idea to me!"

"You needn't worry, Madam. We were rehearsing for the Easter Fete. A skit where we pretend to fight over baskets of Easter Eggs, to amuse the children. No one was in any danger, we assure you."

Nanny, being Nanny, got her wires crossed and picked up on all wrong bits of Connor's explanation. "Oh, Easter Feet! I hope they're nice and clean! We can't be having dirty feet for Easter, so you lads be sure and have a thorough wash tonight, before you goes to bed!"

The Macleods gaped. Igor groaned. Duckula got his finger going again. The Macleods grinned and nodded. Nanny went on about "dirty feet" for several minutes.

Suddenly, everyone heard the sounds of "Scotland the Brave". Duncan reached into his sporran for his mobile. He withdrew it and held a brief conversation. He returned the mobile to the sporran and, with a grim, disappointed expression, told them, "The Fete's been cancelled - rain."

"Blast! There goes our Easter." moaned Connor.

"Come with us to the Cotswolds." offered Duckula.

The Macleods looked at each other and chorused, "Why not?"

* * * *

Mercifully, Castle Duckula landed exactly where it was supposed to land. Duckula never did work out why they'd turned up in Scotland! But he decided not to let it bother him, and to just enjoy the Easter Egg Hunt.

Count Duckula and company weren't the only ones to have chosen that area of the Cotswolds. They saw the man from the day before. He was supervising a group of children - helping them to find the blue and green eggs he'd hidden the day before. Each time a child found one, he or she squealed in delight. The eggs contained tickets to visit a spacecraft near the village! Though when Duckula, Nanny, Igor and the MacLeods went over to say, "Hello!", they were a bit baffled to discover Alistair pointing to a big blue hut and insisting it was his spaceship! However, the mystery would be solved soon enough as Alistair had promised them all a visit to his ship later.

The Macleods were a big hit.They did their mock sword fight to an enthusiastic crowd. The fight came to an unexpected ending, when Nanny, furious at "them lads a-fightin' again", confiscated the egg-filled baskets, and walked off to give the eggs to the crowd, who laughed heartily. They thought it was all part of the act! They especially enjoyed Nanny ticking off the Macleods and telling them they were "naughty lads" and that they wouldn't get none of them pretty eggs for their tea! Everyone laughed, except Nanny. She remained oblivious to the reaction she got.

Even Igor managed to have some fun. When Nanny sat down to rest on a nearby bench, she sat on some real eggs that Igor had put there when he saw her about to sit down. Nanny didn't even notice. Igor chuckled, and Duckula put his head in his hands and mumbled, "Oh, Igor!"

The day had an amazing finish when everyone visited Alistair's spaceship - or, as he called it, his TARDIS. At first, Alistair's guests either fainted or just gaped for many minutes. Nanny just complained about the clutter, until Alistair showed her to the kitchen. They had a terrible time trying to get her out of it! The MacLeods threatened to have another sword fight. She was out like a shot and brandishing a colander at them! They all laughed and ran for cover.

After the initial shock wore off, everyone, including not a few village children, had tea and a tour. Igor disappeared and was finally discovered in the Cloister Room, hanging upside down from one of the railings, talking to the bats, Jasper and Stewart. He did not want to leave. Duckula threatened to paint Castle Duckula pink and have roses round all the doors and windows. Igor ran out of the TARDIS at once, with a look of abject terror on his face! Everyone laughed.

But, all too soon, it was time for Alistair's guests to leave. Reluctant goodbyes were said and his guests took their leave. They all got a final surprise, when they heard the most bizarre wheezing, groaning sound. They turned round to see the TARDIS disappear. The MacLeods gaped, the children shrieked, then laughed and the Duckula crew just nodded. Duckula muttering that - in HIS opinion, Castle Duckula could disappear with more style!

It was a tired bunch that made their way back to Castle Duckula. Duckula was happy he'd found all his eggs. Igor was happy he'd managed to play a few practical jokes. The Macleods were happy they'd got to do their mock sword fight after all. And Nanny, well she was just insanely happy as always.

They dropped the Macleods off in Glenfinnon, saying several goodbyes, and Count Duckula and company made it back inside the castle seconds before it blinked back to Transylvania.

The End


End file.
